Hello, dears. I know it’s been radio silence for a while and I can explain. There’s a lot happening over here and if you haven’t already noticed some new material on my Pinterest page or the announcements on Twitter and Instagram, allow me to tell you now: We’re having a baby! I’ll allow some time for that to sink in…
All done? Good, on we go. I’ve really struggled with what to post about this because honestly everything is so personal, so raw, and so inexplicably tense and fragile that I haven’t completely processed how much of this, if any, I was willing to share. So before I dive into this rollercoaster of straight up shit, let me first preface this by saying that I am by no means a professional and these are just my opinions and my experience. Every pregnancy is different. So, in no way am I trying to speak for everyone. OK, all clear on that? Let’s delve.
I’m closing out my first trimester here, which I’m repeatedly told is the worst… except for the last trimester. To this I want to respond, “Oh, so basically MOST of it sucks except a brief moment in the middle?” Here’s the thing: I know that when we finally hold our little nugget all of the discomfort and crazy emotions will be a distant memory. I get that. No need to tell me. I understand it will be worth it. However, right now, there is no gorgeous baby with Bear’s sparkly eyes looking up at me like I hung the moon, so if you’re quite finished, I’ll continue my thoughts.
Everyone asks how I’m feeling. All the time. It’s a perfectly normal question to ask, so no issue there, but I find that I’m catering my answers to my audience. To the girls in my group who are already moms, I’ll say “Good,” “Haven’t thrown up yet,” “boobs are sore,” stuff like that. I think a lot of times they ask because they want to compare symptoms. Guess what guys? I’m not into that. I scared myself reallllllllly nicely by comparing myself to women on the internet so you can sell that comparative shit somewhere else. I’m all stocked up here. Don’t get me wrong, these are also the first people I go to with questions, but the unwarranted opinions and advice… Not so much. (And unsolicited advice is something I don’t think I will ever run short on again.)
To my girlfriends who are not parents, I am much more candid because, for whatever reason, their questions seem more sincere and curious. They just want to know everything. I welcome this kind of curiosity. Something about it is like a truth serum because I sing like a canary to these questions. One of my best friends the other day legitimately said, “I want to know everything happening in your body at this very moment.” She may have regretted that statement later, but none the less. I find it refreshing and I am happy to oblige.
There are a few people who, when they find out I am expecting, are sure to tell me immediately how much they loved being pregnant. I just nod and make some joke about ice cream or something because, like, isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? What I’m really thinking is “What part of this is enjoyable?” “Aren’t you special?” You get the point… I haven’t felt kicks yet, which I’m sure will be surreal and awesome and I can’t wait to have that connection with our child. I do love seeing the baby move it’s little legs around during a sonogram or pound it’s arms like a wind up toy. It’s so crazy. This tiny human is literally forming itself inside of me. So… Please don’t misunderstand, everything about “a child will soon be here” is so exciting and and wonderful! I can’t really explain it. But the physical and emotional toll this is taking on me (and by association, Bear) is really, really difficult. I thought it was just me and all these feelings were in some way abnormal, but then I read a post from one of my favorite bloggers, Jessica Quirk (What I Wore)…
It was like the skies opened up and a chorus of angels started singing!!! I’m not alone in this!!! She describes it very eloquently as “apathetic nothingness.” And she’s exactly right. It’s not all the time, but it’s often enough to make think something is wrong with me. Like her, however, I’m pretty much giving myself a break: that it is the hormones and will soon pass. Also, as a fashion blogger, I 100% relate to everything she says. It’s incredibly hard to find anything to wear that is uniquely “my style.” Maternity clothes? Blech. Everything is striped and very basic. Woof. It seems like everything is chevron now. I’m over it. I don’t want any more chevron. Enough of that already. Further, everything is a maxi. This is actually great except that they are all sleeveless. (My arms are huge now and I want them covered, an unfortunate preference going into the summer.) As someone who really loves personal style and prides herself on being unique I feel almost lost in these basic outfits. They aren’t special. I’m sure everyone has them or has seen them, but I have no choice because “These pants are the only thing that fit me right now.” (Shout out to Regina George!)
(Typically, I do pick up pieces at Target, but the kind of pieces that when I tell someone it’s from Target, they are shocked. Now, what I’m hearing is “I saw that at Target.” I hate this. Hate it.)
I’m on a mission however, to find dresses that will fit me now, fit me later, and be unique to ME. That is the plan and Goose has confirmed that she is all in on this hunt. Hopefully I’ll have some luck… Until then however, I’ll continue wearing leggings and Whoopie shirts. (I may have mentioned those before. They are loose tunic shirts like Whoopie Goldberg would wear.) I live in them right now.
Aside from that there’s money. Bear and I rent but plan to buy early next year when our lease is up. Great. So we will have a baby, and get a new car (to accommodate for said golden child), and buy a house all in one year. Fantastic. Great plan. None of those are remotely stressful or adding to any emotional discomfort at all. Then there’s daycare costs. Did you guys know you have to start looking daycare/preschool when you are about 3 months preggers? That is basically the most ridiculous thing ever, but whatever. You snooze, you lose, so that’s what we are doing. And it’s not cheap people. I have my first walk-through with one next week and I’m hoping to present myself as chic and put-together as possible… As if that will make them say “Wow! you win for most classy and ready mom, so your tuition will be free!” Fingers crossed, guys.
Next there’s the fact that every decision we make from now on effects this little perfect person, making them more and more imperfect with every wrong decision. I worked myself into a sobbing, nose running, shaking mess today just thinking about how we could potentially totally ruin our child. (I could work myself into that kind of mess over ANYTHING truthfully.) I realize these are irrational fears because no one is perfect and obviously we’re going to make mistakes because we’re human and that’s what we do, right? But, oh my God, it’s so heavy to know that. I’m snobby and fly off the handle and Bear is really critical. I mean there’s any number of things that could go wrong… Or right, depending on how you look at it. On the positive side, we have some positive traits too. We are also both supremely funny in two completely different ways and we certainly love each other despite any differences we have. Who knows what will happen? That’s really the point. There’s zero certainty.
And physically… I mean I can’t even. I just- the weight gain is really bothering me. (It’s not just in the belly, people.) If I was just growing a bowling ball in my belly and the rest of me was as it always has been I wouldn’t be feeling this way, I guarantee it. It’s gross. (If you are wondering how vain you are, just get pregnant and see what happens to your psyche. Ok, there are probably easier ways to realize that you are vain, but this has certainly been eye opening to me.) Anyway, I’ve got both sets of parents trying to plan for summer beach trips and my answer, honestly, is no. Not only must I consider saving time off to actually get paid during maternity leave, I also don’t want to be in swim suits around anyone. Repeat: ANYONE. I will be going to the pool this summer but I will have a towel around me until I’m in the water and then immediately on me when I exit. Beach time: zero fun. Sorry families, it’s not happening. We’ll go next year with our almost one year old. (AHH! OH MY GOD!) My boobs, while growing, are finally less tender. (Woohoooooo!) My feet… they’re already swelling. Oh, what’s that? “That’s so early, that shouldn’t be happening!” Well, it is, so why not say something useful, ass? Those kind of comments are the same as the women who are just a little too excited to tell me about their pregnancy horror stories. Seriously… What are you doing?!?! Does that really sound like something you should be telling a first time pregnant person so chock full of hormones that she could potentially deck you at any moment??!?!?! Keep talking. It’s your funeral, buddy.
All that being said, Bear and I are still really excited about all of this. He has tried his best to be helpful and patient. (Another symptom that is finally subsiding is exhaustion. Like falling asleep at 8:30pm even though I napped for 2 hours when I got home, exhausted.) He’s done some dishes and cleaned the house a little and been pretty forgiving about me cooking approximately nothing. We’re figuring this stuff out as we go and I hope to come back next time with happy, second-trimester, rainbows, and kittens posts. For now, please remember, every pregnancy like every person is completely different. I’m simply describing some personal thoughts on my own experience.